Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward