I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed