I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
How can I say no to this ?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I’m not stressed
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.