I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
i’m sure it’s fine
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Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
cry laughing at this shit
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
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Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30: