I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
This why you should mind your business
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.