Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

absolute chaos

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.