Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

groan^2

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

bat life

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers