“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.