Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic