Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*