“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
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A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?