I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
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Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Yoga Matt
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.