I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
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want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
wow he looks just like him
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
how DARE
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.