I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
You Might Also Like
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.