I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
no one ever comes back
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you