I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
