I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Just like pasta, it is better to bend people to your will with boiling water and a large wooden spoon than to break them in half.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
