Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

Can confirm.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease