I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.


NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”


I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.


All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.


I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …


Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!

“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”


You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.


[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*