For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
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NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?!
~me, aggressively handing out cake
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!
“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*