I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
You Might Also Like
They did not miss in the small print
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I think my mom just blocked me
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire