I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre