Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

😭😭😭

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio