Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.