Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

My kitchen overserved me.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

me doing my best

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”