I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
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**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.