I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
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I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”