Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Venn

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body