I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
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We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.