Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

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