I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
same bro
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this