I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
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me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.