Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

United Steaks of America

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor