Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.