Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶