Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

long lost

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo