I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.