I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
This pepper has seen some shit
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
good work, detective
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”