Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

i- i did not expect this

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.