Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

“our sushi is very fresh”

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

Planet of the Apps.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

this is 10/10 content no notes

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!