I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
New comic up. “Ransom”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil