I didn’t know they can drive…
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[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
The Friday File.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Rooting for the overdog
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance