I didn’t know they can drive…
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Knock Knock
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day