Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

concern

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

*performs CPR on the turkey*

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…