Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me