Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.