“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Wednesday
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
m’lady
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*