@omgthatspunny

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

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@mommajessiec

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

@junejuly12

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

@molly7anne

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

@SaltyCorpse

I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don’t understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

@KattsDogma

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@arresteddev

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.