The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don’t understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.