Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Welcome to the stomach

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Would you wear it?

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.