Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

First I was a pebble..

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians