Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

This kid is going places

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

oh my god

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.