I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Happy Star Wars day!
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.