I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*