I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok