I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
i think both sides are to blame here
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.