I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*