I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*