Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

you’re so productive for your wage

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Stop being racist to kettles.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

a fate I wish upon no one

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.