I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
he was correct
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET