Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!