I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
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How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I did not eat the cake…
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
She might be a genius
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt