I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
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You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.