I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I need a headline like this
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!