Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)