Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.