I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Safety first
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”