I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Growing up was a huge mistake
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.