I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
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[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I’m too immature for adultery.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.