I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
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my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever