‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
This is me 🤣🤣
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.