I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
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[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”