Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.