I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
You Might Also Like
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
happy valentine’s day to me
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]