Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

Beware of fowl play.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower