Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

BaD BoY!!