Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Everything reminds me of my ex

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.